Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Strange
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me, flirting😏