ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
You Might Also Like
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container