whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore