co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).