The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Who says great literature is dead?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Friday
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!