PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
You Might Also Like
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
This makes total sense…
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy