4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i