murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
uh oh
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
no such thing as a dumb question
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.