Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”