I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I can fix him.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”