Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
You Might Also Like
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”