WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
You Might Also Like
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.