I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
mariah carrie
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.