Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.