I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The smoothest fall of all time
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.