College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4