Danger is very dangerous
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*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
lol
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.