“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
You Might Also Like
Wait for it
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected