My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Look at this
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
How to woo a woman
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no