I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.