In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.