The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.