Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.