When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.