sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.