[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You Might Also Like
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.