My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.