My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
This January has 47 Mondays
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.