We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Always
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.