I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
A great tip. #CakeRex
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
necessity is the mother of invention
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.