some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.