walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Wednesday
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.