Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*