[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Yesterday鈥檚 me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today鈥檚 me now has to live with that poor decision.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 馃ぃ
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude 鉀勶笍
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.