As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Phonetics
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Holy shit he’s back
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire