“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”