Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
FRED: right
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
had to make it