What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
You Might Also Like
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of