bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
i prefer mine room temperature.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care