We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You Might Also Like
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.