[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
You Might Also Like
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
#SuperBowl
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.