Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.