I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Thursday Thought.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Okey dokey.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
What the hell happened in there??
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here