Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
mom had nothing to worry about
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.