8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
🔦🌙👣
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”