The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”