Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.