I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
You Might Also Like
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Mad Max: Furry Road
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
How funny!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.