Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
#dalle2
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great