The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Can’t, holding a grudge
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.